Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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