I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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