Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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