and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
