Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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