I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
did you just send me my own nude
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
