she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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