You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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