dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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