I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
