Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
