all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
