Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
