I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
