there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
