lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
