Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
