I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
