Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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