I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
