i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
