From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
