this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
