Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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