Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
