If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
