The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
