Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
