I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Found your dick twin last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
