My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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