I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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