bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
