if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Randomize
