I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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