when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
