I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
