OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
