I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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