i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
