I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
