I like to think it a success when the cops are called
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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