Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
