when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
