I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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