Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
