He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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