Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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