genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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