Need sex. Gaining weight.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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