Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
